Do you find that often when you come home your wife is whinging at you or complaining? Are the two of you arguing all of the time? Have you honestly asked yourself why this is happening or have you done what most people do and just closed off and yelled back?
On the whole women “whinge” because of one of the following reasons. They don’t feel safe. They don’t feel secure. They don’t feel valued. They don’t feel at though they are a priority in your life.
You yell back or blame her because you don’t feel safe, or you don’t feel secure, or you don’t feel valued or you don’t feel as though you are a priority in their life.
HOW DOES THIS RELATE.
You say you are going to put the rubbish bin out before you go to work. You forget. You get home and world War Three starts over this “tiny” little thing.
What your wife is saying is that she doesn’t feel as though she isn’t a priority in your life, as it didn’t seem to matter if you kept your word about taking the bin out or not. Getting to work came first, she didn’t.
You decide that you want to do something and either tell her at the last minute, leave a note to let her know you have gone somewhere or just not tell her. You wouldn’t do this to a work mate, it is only reasonable to make her feel valued to let her know what you want to do at least 24 hours before hand. Find out if there is anything that she wants to do, compromise might be necessary.
You say you will be home by a certain time, but don’t get there. Ring her up to explain. That way she will fell valued.
You are having a night out with the boys. She rings you on your mobile phone and you are abrupt with her. Well you are out aren’t you so why can’t she just let you have the night out? Maybe she doesn’t feel secure with you doing this. Does this mean that you can’t have a night out? No. What it means is that you need to make her feel secure so she is happy to let you have the night out. If she rings, take 5 or so minutes to talk to her. Then she will be happy and you won’t get a problem or argument when you get home.
Men and women are responsible for their own actions, but we need to remember that our actions also effect and affect others. We aren’t an island. If you are late, if we don’t keep our word, if we “brush” someone off, if we yell at them, if we bash them and all of the other negative things that we do – WE ARE CONTINUALLY SENDING A SIGNAL THAT STATES THE OTHER PERSON ISN’T WORTH WHILE.
Keeping women happy.
Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t hard to keep women happy at all. Woman, on the whole, are nurturers. They might well have a full time job, but then they come home and take up a second job. The job of keeping the house hold happy. Women do many things unconsciously.
To keep women happy all you need to do is to
A) listen to her
B) be there with her
C) keep your word
D) speak to her as though she is your best friend.
E) acknowledge what she does
LISTEN TO HER.
Do just that. If she has had a bad day, no matter what the cause, let her talk. NO, DON’T GIVE ANY ADVICE. She doesn’t actually need it, she just needs to vent. While she is talking she is processing what has happened, sorting it out in her mind and laying it to rest. Remember the last time you gave advice when she had had a bad day? An argument ensued. It wasn’t because she had had a bad day, it was because she was in the process of understand what went wrong and you interrupted it, made her feel as though she had no value. No, you weren’t being nasty with your advice; you just didn’t understand what she needed.
BE THERE WITH HER.
Relationships don’t survive if one party is always away or out. You MUST spend some quality time together. It can be at home doing something you both enjoy, going for walks, exercising together, the cinema, restaurants and so on. If you want to be able to “go out with the boys” or go to watch a sport or spend time on a hobby of your own or play on the computer, then you have to make sure she feels that she is a priority ion your life first and foremost. Watching TV, being in the same room as her while you play on the computer is not being with her.
If this seems onerous to you, ask yourself why you either married or lived together in the first place. She is meant to be your best friend.
KEEP YOUR WORD.
Trust is a wonderful thing, but it is also flimsy and easily broken. If you continually break your word or out right lie then trust will fly out the window and you won’t have a relationship left worth 2 cents. If you give your word about anything, then keep it. If something totally unavoidable comes up, then let her know that you will do it at a later time and give her a when. If you are one of those people who
“Just can’t seem to get anything done”, or “Something always goes wrong”,
then grow up and become an adult. Look at time in a real way and work out when you will be able to do things and keep to the timetable. Neither of those reasons is plausible or acceptable. All it means is that you don’t care about anyone else except for yourself, which is not an attitude that leads to a successful relationship.
SPEAK TO HER AS THOUGH SHE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND.
She is your best friend and if she isn’t then you need to do a lot of work to really get to know her and make her your best friend. The both of you should have been best friends before you married or became “De Facto. If you got married while passion was still at its height, then you need to do the work to become best friends, as passion burns bright and dull throughout life.
Think about how you speak to your mates. Now think about how you speak to your partner. Do you snap, snarl, yell and use language at your partner or simply ignore her; or do you speak in a manner that is encouraging and loving to her?
ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT SHE DOES.
She is not a machine or a servant, and all it takes is a simple thank you for … You will find that it goes a long way.
Don’t blame her immediately when something goes wrong. Things go wrong, things get misplaced, things get broken; it doesn’t mean that it was done with malicious. Don’t criticize her for how she does something, just because it is done differently to how you would do it. We all have our own ways of doing things and there are many ways to get the same job done.
Look at what she does do for you and your family, not at what she doesn’t do. If there are things you would like done, talk about it to her, ask her to do them with you, or do them yourself.
Why do you yell and swear at her?
Perhaps it is how your father treated your mother so, it is something that you have learnt.
Perhaps you don’t know what to say or you feel sad or hurt so you lash out.
Perhaps you feel trapped.
Why do you hit her?
Did you realise that swearing, yelling and hitting people is abuse?
The answer to all of these things is to sit down and talk, yes talk, to her. She is meant to be your best friend, so she should be there for you. She should listen to you; she should treat what you are saying with respect, not laugh; she should find the time to be there both with and for you. If she knows that you feel upset by something that she does and you are doing all of the things that I have written about, then she will be more than happy to compromise or alter what she is doing to keep the relationship happy. If she knows what you are thinking then she can explain her side of something. Often understanding what is going on will stop problems from occurring.
Talk, talk, talk. It is all about communicating in a positive manner and we are all able to do it.
Yelling, swearing, treating her as though she is an unpaid servant will only result in more pain, sadness and hurt for both people.
How to keep men happy.
Well if you are following the above, you will find that you are happy, as your wife/partner will be feeling safe, valued, secure and a priority and she will be more than happy to let you do the activities you want.
However, women, you also need to make sure that your man feels safe, valued, secure and is a priority.
If you don’t feel safe or secure, or valued or prioritized YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR PARTNER. He isn’t a mind reader. Staying silent is only contaminating your relationship.
Remember, grunting, swearing, threatening and ignoring aren’t going to get you want you want. Spending time on the computer or at your hobby continually isn’t spending quality time together.
If you need help then get it. Relationships are valuable and worth effort.
You only get back what you put into it.
To quote Dr Phil McGraw – Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Your choice.
Body in Harmony